Retrospective

Hi, I'm Breton (She/Her). It has been exactly one year since I came out. I had no idea how hard the realization would come crushing down on me. I was going about my business when all of a sudden my brain said, "remember all those repressed feelings you've been running from your whole life? Well, you can't outrun them anymore." Last year I was fortunate enough to be able to buy a condo with my wife, the last major life event I had planned on my long term goal list. All of the years of struggling had finally paid off. I felt like I had made it. Then it happened... the full on realization. My trans reawakening. I had never been more scared and excited at the same time.

I was raised Mormon and learned to conform to the gender norms set out by that community. I was a good "young-man" and followed rank as I was supposed to. Deep down I knew something was wrong. I never fit in with my friends and was into much more feminine things growing up. I was othered, called names, bullied, and sexually assaulted, but I trudged on as a man because it was what I was expected to do. Secretly, I continued to cross dress to express my femininity and wish every night that was born in a different body. I self-harmed and drank as a coping mechanisms. Eventually, as I got older, I learned to repress my feelings. I pushed any notion of gender nonconformity to the side. I was extremely depressed and anxious all the time.

Now that I'm 37 years old, I have learned to better manage anxiety and stress. I have been in therapy continually for the past three years with varying degrees of success. Something was still wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it.

After purchasing our condo I huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks. In that moment my reawakening came rushing in, filling in all the space left from the years and years of struggling to survive. I had the mental space to process my thoughts and feelings for what felt like the first time ever. I wasn't a man, I never have been. I always knew I was transgender but pushed it to the side because I never felt like my life was worth it. I was going to suffer and live as man until the day I died.

Well, the fact that I'm here means I am no longer resigning myself to that fate. The decades of self-hate, self-harm, repression, trauma, and hopelessness have to end. I am worth it. I am ready to thrive in my authentic self. I am ready to be the real me no matter what it takes. I can't go back. I will no longer allow others to decide my life for me. I was AMAB, but that was never what I was meant to be.

Even though I have a long road ahead, I know that I am worth it. I am not giving up on myself anymore. I am a transgender woman and I am ready to fight to be me.